Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)
★★½ — Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)
There's a moment somewhere in the middle of Dead Men Tell No Tales where you realise you've stopped caring. Not in a dramatic, walk-out-of-the-cinema way. More like the slow dawning awareness that you've been staring at the screen for twenty minutes and nothing has landed. No laugh, no gasp, no genuine surprise. Just noise and colour and a familiar silhouette lurching across the deck. That feeling, right there, is the problem with this fifth instalment in the Pirates franchise.
Javier Bardem is genuinely good as Captain Salazar, a cursed Spanish naval commander with a grudge against Jack Sparrow that feels personal and bitter in all the right ways. He's cold, menacing, and there's real physicality to the performance even through all the ghostly visual effects. When he's on screen, the film has a pulse. He's the kind of villain who makes you sit up straight, and I won't pretend otherwise. But one strong villain can't carry a bloated two-hour blockbuster when everything around him is running on fumes.
And Jack Sparrow. Look, I have a lot of affection for what Johnny Depp built with that character back in 2003. It was genuinely odd, genuinely funny, and genuinely surprising. By now, though, the slurring and swaying and elaborate misunderstandings have curdled from roguish charm into something closer to self-parody. There's no wit behind the shtick anymore, just the shtick itself, repeated. Jack used to feel like the cleverest person in the room pretending to be the most chaotic. Here he just feels tired.
The new additions, Brenton Thwaites as the earnest young Henry and Kaya Scodelario as astronomer Carina, are likeable enough and I can see what the film is reaching for. They're meant to echo the spirit of the original, a pair of young leads with a quest and a spark between them. But the chemistry is flat, the romance telegraphed from the first scene they share, and the emotional beats never earn the weight the film places on them. It's not that Thwaites or Scodelario do bad work, it's that the script gives them very little to do beyond move the plot forward.
The action is where blockbusters like this are supposed to make up lost ground, and there are moments that work. The final showdown has some genuinely inventive visual ideas. But too much of it is smothered in CGI, and not the kind that earns its keep. The ghost effects have this cheap, flickering quality that takes you out of the scene rather than pulling you in. Compare that to something like Mad Max: Fury Road, where every frame of action felt purposeful and visceral, and the gap becomes uncomfortable.
It's also worth saying: the middle of this film drags badly. There's a stretch where the plot is clearly treading water, shuffling characters from one location to another without any real momentum. The humour misfires repeatedly. The stakes, despite curses and undead navies and the threat of cosmic consequence, never feel real.
I've had my issues with the franchise before. I covered Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and came away with a complicated relationship with where that film left things. But at least At World's End, for all its sprawl and self-importance, felt like it had ambitions. This one feels like contractual obligation dressed up in period costume.
None of this makes it a disaster, exactly. Bardem is worth seeing, and there are scattered moments where the old magic flickers back into view. If you've stuck with the franchise this far, you'll probably find enough to enjoy for one viewing. But as a conclusion to a series that once had genuine wit, genuine heart, and one of the great screen performances in Depp's original take? It's a deeply underwhelming way to sail off into the sunset.
Two and a half stars.
Rating: ★★½ | Year: 2017 | Watched: 2025-08-23
Where to watch
Watch in the UK
Stream: Disney Plus
Rent: Apple TV Store · Rakuten TV · Amazon Video · Google Play Movies
Buy: Apple TV Store · Rakuten TV · Amazon Video · Google Play Movies
Physical: Amazon UK · Zavvi
Watch in the US
Stream: Disney Plus
Rent: Amazon Video · Apple TV Store · Google Play Movies · YouTube
Buy: Amazon Video · Apple TV Store · Google Play Movies · YouTube
Physical: Amazon US
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Related on Movies With Macca
More with Johnny Depp: Corpse Bride (2005) · Black Mass (2015) · Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003) · Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
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More action: A Better Tomorrow (1986) · The General (1926) · Hand of Death (1976) · Daredevil (2003)
