Minions: The Rise of Gru (2022)
★★ — Minions: The Rise of Gru (2022)
Here's the thing about the Minions: they used to be funny. Genuinely funny. When they were lurking in the background of Despicable Me (2010), popping up for a gag and then disappearing again, they worked because they were seasoning. Give them their own film, their own franchise, their own cinematic universe, and suddenly you're left asking: is there actually anything here? Minions: The Rise of Gru is my answer. And it's not a good one.
We're back in the 1970s, which is at least a decent aesthetic choice. Baby Gru wants to join a supervillain gang called the Vicious 6, and three yellow blobs with the collective intelligence of a house brick proceed to cause mayhem around him. There's a kung-fu parody thread running through it, a retro soundtrack that does its level best to inject some life into the proceedings, and a villain played by Jean-Claude Van Damme doing an egomaniacal 70s martial artist thing that is, honestly, alright. These are the film's bright spots. I'm listing them now because I want to be fair, and because they don't take long to cover.
The plot is paper-thin in the way that only a franchise coasting on its own momentum can be. There are no real stakes. Nobody's in any genuine danger. The humour is almost entirely slapstick and repetition: the same falls, the same shrieking, the same gurgling Minion nonsense that was charming for about thirty seconds in 2010 and has since been flogged to within an inch of its life. I laughed once, maybe. I'm being generous.
What bothers me most isn't that it's bad. It's that it doesn't even seem to be trying. It's the kind of film that exists because the brand demands it, not because anyone had a story worth telling. I had similar frustrations with Despicable Me 3, but at least that one had Gru and his brother dynamic to hang something on. The Rise of Gru doesn't even bother with that much. It just shuffles through a checklist: loud noises, garish colours, a celebrity voice cast, a few pop songs, and a running time that feels longer than it has any right to.
The animation is slick, I'll give it that. Illumination know how to make something that looks expensive and polished. But polish isn't the same as craft, and a shiny surface doesn't hide the fact that there's nothing underneath it. This is a feature-length toy commercial dressed up as a summer blockbuster, and everyone involved knows it. The Minions aren't characters anymore. They're a brand. A logo. A reason to sell yellow merchandise in supermarket aisles.
I keep thinking back to what made the original Minions at least watchable: there was something giddy and anarchic about it, even if it overstayed its welcome. That spark is almost entirely gone here. What's replaced it is a kind of corporate smoothness, everything filed down and market-tested until there are no edges left to catch on. It's inoffensive. It won't ruin your afternoon. But it won't give you anything to take away from it either.
Two stars, and I mean it generously. Two stars because the retro soundtrack occasionally made me tap my foot, because Van Damme seemed to be having a decent time, and because it's too toothless to actively resent. But toothless isn't the same as good, and harmless isn't the same as worthwhile. The Minions had their moment. That moment has well and truly passed.
Rating: ★★ | Year: 2022 | Watched: 2025-08-14
Where to watch
Watch in the UK
Rent: Apple TV Store · Rakuten TV · Amazon Video · Google Play Movies
Buy: Apple TV Store · Rakuten TV · Amazon Video · Google Play Movies
Physical: Amazon UK · Zavvi
Watch in the US
Stream: Netflix · Netflix Standard with Ads
Rent: Amazon Video · Apple TV Store · Google Play Movies · YouTube
Buy: Amazon Video · Apple TV Store · Google Play Movies · YouTube
Physical: Amazon US
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