Yakuza Girl (2024)

There's a moment in Yakuza Girl where an actor fluffs their line, and then just... does it again. Right there in the finished cut. The take they chose to keep, to put in front of an audience, includes a visible, audible stumble and a do-over. That tells you pretty much everything you need to know about the level of care that went into this film.

I don't say this lightly: Yakuza Girl is one of the worst films I've ever seen. And I've sat through some real punishment over the years. I've reviewed low-budget horrors that creaked at every joint, like Castle Freak, and even when those films fall flat they at least feel like someone gave a damn about putting them together. This doesn't have that. Not even close.

Where do you even start? The acting is genuinely awful across the board. Not charmingly rough, not endearingly amateur, just flat and unconvincing and painful to watch. Characters deliver lines as though they're reading them off a cue card held just out of frame. There's no energy, no chemistry, no sense that anyone on screen believes a single word coming out of their own mouth. And when one of them gets the line wrong and has another crack at it, and that second attempt is the version that made the edit, it becomes impossible to take anything seriously at all. You start to wonder whether anyone watched this back before releasing it.

The story is ridiculous, and not in a fun way. A ridiculous premise can absolutely work if there's wit or style or commitment behind it. Plenty of great yakuza films lean into the absurd. But absurdity without craft is just a mess, and this is a mess. The plot lurches from scene to scene with no real momentum or logic, and you stop caring very quickly because the film gives you absolutely no reason to invest in anyone or anything happening on screen.

Then there's the look of the thing. The cinematography genuinely looks like a home movie. And not a stylish, deliberately lo-fi home movie either. I mean shaky, flat, poorly lit footage that would look out of place on a YouTube channel, let alone a film you're asking people to pay to watch. Compare that to something like The Raid 2, a film that used every penny of its budget and burst with visual imagination and kinetic energy, and the gap is almost incomprehensible. Obviously not every film can be The Raid 2, but Yakuza Girl doesn't even seem to be trying.

I'm not in the business of kicking films just because they're small or scrappy. Independent filmmaking is hard, money is tight, and I have a lot of respect for people who get out there and make something. But there's a baseline of craft and care that an audience deserves, and Yakuza Girl doesn't clear it. Leaving blown takes in the edit isn't a quirk or a stylistic choice. It's a sign that nobody was minding the shop.

Avoid this one. Half a star, and that's being generous.

Rating: ½  | Year: 2024  | Watched: 2025-05-13

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Where to watch

Watch in the UK
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Physical: Amazon UK · Zavvi

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